Forever Changing

Our lives are forever changing.  Mine is no exception. In less than two years time I went from being in a very serious relationship to marriage to preparing to file for divorce.  Life at this point is so very challenging and forever changing. There are ups and downs and all sorts of new experiences.  I have no idea where life will take me next and for now, that's ok.  The world is my sandbox and I'm ready to build sand castles, make new friends and explore this wonderful world with my Theo.

Day 6: Thought of the day: Grant those around you grace, including yourself.

Thought of the day: Grant those around you grace, including yourself.

My hopes in writing all of this out is that perhaps in my despair I will be able to give someone else courage and faith who may be going through their own difficult situation.  If you know us and don't care to read my thoughts and fear and hurts right now, no hard feelings.  This is real, this is uncensored and I'm hurting.  It's hard to put it out there but it is equally hard to keep it all inside.  I'm publishing this uncensored so those that would like information on how I am doing/ how we are doing can have it. This is a personal situation, it is difficult, I am doing the best that I can to get through it, my wording in this post is frank.

For those of you who don't know Nicholas & I were expecting a baby come November of this year. On Tuesday night we found out in the ER that God had called our baby to heaven way before we were expecting. To say that we are heartbroken is an understatement. We are working through this situation together I can not explain how thankful I am for Nick's love &support in this situation. I have faith that somehow God will heal us. I'd like to thank all of those who have been so thoughtful & understanding towards us.

Colossians 2:2-5 The Message (MSG)
2-4 I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God’s great mystery. All the richest treasures of wisdom and knowledge are embedded in that mystery and nowhere else. And we’ve been shown the mystery! I’m telling you this because I don’t want anyone leading you off on some wild-goose chase, after other so-called mysteries, or “the Secret.”

5 I’m a long way off, true, and you may never lay eyes on me, but believe me, I’m on your side, right beside you. I am delighted to hear of the careful and orderly ways you conduct your affairs, and impressed with the solid substance of your faith in Christ."

So I've been awake since 3 am, (now it being 04.50) I am in pain and I can't fall back asleep. Last night was hard, I ended back in the ER due to blood loss and an infection, we both were scared out of our minds and neither of us having the courage to admit it to the other, this situation is an impossible one and even though I have been through this before it's been very different this time and I have no knowledge on what to expect, how to handle it, or how to process all that has happened.

I must be honest in admitting that right now I am struggling with faith. I know God is around, I understand, but in speaking honestly I'd just like to punch him in the face, (please don't judge me for admitting this.) This all seems to be too much and it is a struggle to get through it. This God that I've grown to know doesn't seem very father like right now and I have no idea how to process all of that.  I am angry at God, I know we are raised to not admit it.  So because I can't sleep I did some more reading, here's what I found...

Psalm 22:1-8

The Message (MSG)

A David Psalm

22 1-2 God, God . . . my God!
    Why did you dump me
    miles from nowhere?
Doubled up with pain, I call to God
    all the day long. No answer. Nothing.
I keep at it all night, tossing and turning.

3-5 And you! Are you indifferent, above it all,
    leaning back on the cushions of Israel’s praise?
We know you were there for our parents:
    they cried for your help and you gave it;
    they trusted and lived a good life.

6-8 And here I am, a nothing—an earthworm,
    something to step on, to squash.
Everyone pokes fun at me;
    they make faces at me, they shake their heads:
“Let’s see how God handles this one;
    since God likes him so much, let him help him!”

Matthew 27:46 (KJV)- And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?

If Jesus and David can feel forsaken by God, then I guess God probably understands why I too feel betrayed and alone.  I need to quit being so hard on myself and just do the best that I can to heal and to just live through this situation, even if that living for now is just laying on the couch mindlessly watching TV or reading the bible, and/ or taking the dog for a walk literally only around the block, I've needed to start writing down when I last fed him because I can't even remember right now.

Psalm 22:22-31

The Message (MSG)

22-24 Here’s the story I’ll tell my friends when they come to worship,
    and punctuate it with Hallelujahs:
Shout Hallelujah, you God-worshipers;
    give glory, you sons of Jacob;
    adore him, you daughters of Israel.
He has never let you down,
    never looked the other way
    when you were being kicked around.
He has never wandered off to do his own thing;
    he has been right there, listening.

25-26 Here in this great gathering for worship
    I have discovered this praise-life.
And I’ll do what I promised right here
    in front of the God-worshipers.
Down-and-outers sit at God’s table
    and eat their fill.
Everyone on the hunt for God
    is here, praising him.
“Live it up, from head to toe.
    Don’t ever quit!”

27-28 From the four corners of the earth
    people are coming to their senses,
    are running back to God.
Long-lost families
    are falling on their faces before him.
God has taken charge;
    from now on he has the last word.

29 All the power-mongers are before him
    —worshiping!
All the poor and powerless, too
    —worshiping!
Along with those who never got it together
    —worshiping!

30-31 Our children and their children
    will get in on this
As the word is passed along
    from parent to child.
Babies not yet conceived
    will hear the good news—
    that God does what he says.

I will admit that this was a much harder read but I found it here: in this article about being angry with God at this moment I can't even word how this made me feel beyond it gave me hope and it made me more mad all at the same time.  I know, I'm not rational right now, I'm trying.  So anyways... that's how I'm doing. Have a great day ya'll and remember to grant everyone around you grace. Most of all, yourself.

Ommmmmm that Hurts so Good

For those of you that don't know I've chose to live a fit life. To me that means cutting out highly processed foods, working out (almost) daily, and yoga. Lots of yoga. It's been a huge shock for my system & after years of terrible pain I have found out I was in terrible shape. WAS being the key word. 

But all of that working out has made me super sore, so I went and bought myself a foam roller, but like in The Princess and The Pea, it was entirely too soft to really work the knots out of my muscles. {sad day}. 

So I looked at some more rollers. Hemmed and hawed and decided to make my own. For $40-$60 the savings seemed worth any headache. So I did some research and found a few tutorials but none of them was 

what I was looking for. I like pretty & sparkly things even better if they are pink, gold and glittery. :)

Supplies needed:

1 4"PVC pipe 24-36" long ($1.68) purchased from a local store

Carpet pad to cover PVC ($2.00) purchased hunk from a flooring store

Elmer's Spray adhesive (I had this at home)

Fabric

7"+ zipper (I had it at home)

Scissors

Duck Tape

Large plastic shopping bag

1.) Lay down the carpet pad with the netting side on the floor

2.) Ruff cut the pad to the size of the PVC all the way around.

3.) Use the spray glue do. {Hint work in 6" segments.} Hold it in place until glue sets.

4.) Make the final cut, be sure to pull a little so when it's rolling on the floor it doesn't loosen the glue.

5.) Cut strips of duck tape and tape across the seam.

6.) Cut a strip of duck tape to go the length of the seam.

7.) Cut a few strips of tape for the ends of the tube, cut slices and pull tight, tape to the inside of the PVC tube.

8.) Measure and cut the fabric, be sure to add 0.5" to all the sides.

9.) Turn inside out and sew the tube, leaving 0.5" of the bottom of the tube open, back stitch.

10.) Slip on plastic bag onto the end, trim excess, {leave the handle!!!}use tape to secure around tube but do not tape to the carpet pad.

11.) Grab the zipper and sew onto the fabric, make sure to sew tight. Mine was a bit less than all the way around the tube so I had to tuck the end in.

12.) Grab an end and sew onto the zipper.

13.) Flip the fabric and pull onto, check that the zipper closes ok. Open the zipper.

14.) Flip fabric again, {yes I know it's a pain} pull onto the end. Grab the remaining end, and sew onto the bottom. Pull off. 

15.) Slice the bottom of the bag almost all the way through, but leave enough so you can pull the fabric all the way through. 

16.) Pull fabric on and pull bag HARD.

17.) Pull bag out only after you have fabric pulled all the way on.

18.) Zipper it up and enjoy the pain.

Oh and this one is "just right." Firm but not HARD, comfortable, and best of all it hurts so good.

Don’t [DO] date a girl who travels [The Rebuttal]

It all started with a well written but very biased "click worthy" article called "Don't date a girl who travels" that one of my Facebook friends had posted to his wall and it found it's way on my newsfeed.  After reading the article I was seeing red.  I'm not sure why this article made me so mad, but it did.

Do Date a Woman who Travels
You spot her, yes her the one with the wild untamed hair, from the other side of the bar.  Even from the other side of the room you feel drawn to her, her unnatural beauty calling to you, pulling at your heart strings.  There, is her laugh, dancing across the room to you.  She's special, so unlike anyone else you have met before, when you are with her she makes you feel special too.  Do it, date that woman who travels.

Do date the woman who travels, that normal dinner and a movie may suck the life out of her but add a little candle light and a night of ice fishing in a portable house will make her eyes glimmer.  She will feel connected to you and to nature at the same time.  She may not be impressed by your fancy car or your expensive watch, but perhaps she realizes that in order to balance her out she needs some more stability.

Do date the woman who travels, she may make you uncomfortable sometimes by suggesting something you've never done before but she will force you to grow and experience MORE in your life than you thought possible.  The woman who travels has an understanding of money different than most people, she will spend a lot for an experience and then spend a small amount when it comes to life staples.

Do date the woman who travels, for she will work towards her passion and not for the paycheck.  She may have bad days, and she may want to vent but she will also have compassion for your bad days.  She may offer to cook your favorite meal, take your for a walk under the stars, or a bit of expensive chocolate from Germany to ease the hurt for she understands that when things get hard it really is the little things that help to sort it out.  Most women who travel have jobs that allow them to do so, but they try to HELP people when they are working, what a wonderful quality.

Do date the woman who travels, she may not be using her college degree but she understands the importance of education.  She will respect your degree and encourage you to seek out more education in a variety of ways; from an institution, from a mentor, even from those whom you don't know.

Do date the woman who travels, she chooses a life of adventure.  How lucky are you that of all the people she knows she chooses to spend her time with you?  Her adventure seeking may get her into some dicy situations but it also allows her soul to breathe, it allows her to learn from her mistakes and to keep from making the same ones over and over.  She will apologize and she will mean it.

Do date the woman who travels, she will speak her mind.  She won't try to impress your friends and family but her kindness will attract your family.  She values respect but will hold and informed conversation about hot button issues, but don't worry if you don't agree, she understands that the world needs all types.

Do date the woman who travels, she may not need you, but she's chosen you as much as you've chosen her. She can stand on her own two feet but she realizes that leads to a life of solitude and can be very lonely. She may cooks well, and doesn't need you to pay for her meals but tell her your favorite meals and she may be willing to cook it for you, especially if you are willing to trade favors.  She may not need you to travel with her, but she asks because she likes your company, she wants to share her life and experiences with you. She may get sidetracked before checking in upon arrival at her destination but out of respect and admiration she will eventually check in.  Don't worry, her train may be running 4 hours late getting into Veniza, or perhaps she ran into an old friend, or her cell has no reception, she'll let you know that she is ok.  She'll meet many people, and that may be intimidating but she'll always be willing to introduce you to them and to share their many adventure stories.

Do date the woman who travels, and when you fall in love with her, ask her to marry you so that you too, can become one who travels, and perhaps she will also change a bit more into one who stays home. Just don't steal her longing for adventure, embrace it, love it, it's what makes her who she is, the woman you fell in love with.

Review of Polaroid PBT555

Let me start by saying this. Music it speaks to my soul, to my very being.  My memories are stored in both songs and vintages of wine. I am one of the most particular people I know and this has only been reinforced by my mentor who at 59 was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, which is known as the highest functioning form of autism. It is an understatement to say that I like things "just so", the most odd things can set me into a frenzy in a heartbeat.

As much as I love music I sometimes struggle with concerts as the artists usually don't sound the same, so needless to say I'm picky about headphones, speakers, and tones.


I bought this speaker on a whim on a suggestion from my Father (I couldn't find a review for it anywhere) I work as a nanny (specializing in special needs kids) and I wanted a speaker I could travel with both to work, to workout with, and take with me internationally. I wanted to be able to literally throw it in my suitcase or nanny bag and not need to worry about too much. I was really considering saving up for the Jambox Mini Speaker but at $179.99 + tax it was a bit steep. The Polaroid was a mere $79.99 (with mail in rebate).



Now this speaker connects wirelessly via Bluetooth, a simple simple pairing process with my iPhone 5s. And in mere seconds I was ready to check out the sound quality.

About the sound quality, I have found my music collection which boasts of Jay Z to Persian love songs to Luke Bryant to play beautifully. It sounds as it does coming out of Bose Soundwave. There is no twanging, no thumping or irradiate humming that doesn't belong. The sound coming out of this speaker BLEW me AWAY. When comparing to my sisters Jambox Mini I think the Polaroid has better sound quality, especially for the price.



What about the size, will it really fit into my suit case? Yes it will really fit!  It is a bit wider at 2" than the Jambox Mini (compared at .91") but I also think that is why it is able to put out such awesome sound quality. So for me the depth isn't an issue.

Both the JamBox Mini and the Polaroid claim 8 hours of use per full charge. I have found that claim to be a bit on the short side to with mine, I get between 6-11 hours (depending on volume). A full charge off of a 2.0 USB takes about 1.5 hours. It includes both the charging cable and the AUX cable for use with a regular iPod or MP3 player. (I'm searching for a wall adapter for multiple country use.)

I use mine all of the time. Working out to blare my music to get me revved up, while showering, and to both calm down (from their fits) and get the kids I nanny for moving. I have yet to pack it but with the light metal used in it's construction it's built well so I don't worry about it getting broken in my checked luggage.

All in all, if this item were to get broken or stolen in my luggage I'd buy a replacement (and it would still be less than the JamBox Mini.)  If looking for a speaker I highly recommend the Polaroid PBT555 over even the JamBox Mini.

Dear Jon

10 of Sept

So at 3.30 am I had some sweet roommates that joined us in our room.... In London I was staying in a youth hostel many beds in one room, they came in flipped on all the lights and were yelling from room to room.  Like many others in our room, I was cranky.  I couldn't fall back asleep, my sense of security had been shattered and my heart was seriously thumping.  So instead of cussing them all out or being nasty I got some clothes on and decided to go and take some sunrise photos of London.

I spent some time with my new friend Jon walking around the park and going to the history place.

Broke and in Paris :(

A very handsome French man just came up to me and started speaking gibberish (also known as French) to me 

I said no French. 

He said: mademoiselle, you are very beautiful, do you live here? 

I said: no, just visiting. 

He: For long? 

I: A week. 

He then asked me for coffee. I declined as I was in a panic as I need to get to the US embassy and figure out my banking. A girl needs money for food and hotel while abroad if nothing else and I am running dangerously low like the equivalent of what $10 gets you in the US. Really not good. 

However after he left I checked my purse for my checkbook (not that it did me any good not working here) my passport and other ID and then I thought to myself, "wow, that would have been a nice under different circumstances,"  my second thought was, "he probably wanted to kidnap you."

I then headed to the US embassy to try and figure out why my bank card is not working in FRANCE, who the heck does that to a girl whom is traveling alone.  Locks up her bank care?  Big time bad, big time.  I was seriously freaking out as I had been in Paris for over 24 hours, almost 36 at this point and had VERY little money in the pocketbook. 

12 of Sept
I talked to the embassy, texted with my grandma, who thankfully is up at the crack of dawn also known as 5am and she was going to have my Aunt get me some money so that by the end of the day I had my budget of money for my trip and I would no longer have less money in my pocket than the man begging for change on the street. (Dear Readers- knowing that you are in a different country and have less money than the homeless man is not a good feeling.  It is scary.  It is embarrassing, I saved for a long time to be able to go on this trip and after all of that hard work- and I had the bruises and scratches to prove it was hard work, I was in Paris, one of the most magical cities and I was in essence, BROKE.) When I am back stateside, I will be having a VERY long chat with my bank about this.  One of the main reasons that I took my accounts there was because they did not charge international fees, which is easy to do if while you are on a trip you can't access your funds (the scoundrels!) they will be reimbursing me the fees to have the money wired to Paris.

The people at the US embassy in Paris are very nice, not one but two days the guards dealt with me very upset and sometimes crying (I was scared remember).  They were understanding and professional and most of all they were very helpful.  Marie in special services was a God send in helping me figure out HOW to get money from the US to Paris the least expensive and the more reliable way.

So after I picked up some money (yay no longer broke) I went back to my host's home.  We went to the gym (OMG it is the most amazing gym I have ever been too) it has a waterpark, a gym, classes, water classes, hot yoga, yada yada yada.  You can check out there site here.  Yes, it is AMAZING!  I was so lucky to be able to go here not one but TWO nights in a row.   After the waterpark and sauna, yes that's right this broke girl got to waste her stress away in a sauna, I don't even think I have access to one of those at home, we went to the Hippopotamus, I was told to order a steak, which was surprisingly inexpensive, like $18US.  It was ok.  My virgin drink however was to DIE for.  After dinner I took the Metro back to my host's home and they picked me up in a car to go to a latin dance club.  Yes, this very white girl went to the latin dance club.  Walking into this club I could hear the lady from the metro say "please beware of pickpockets" in my head.  It kinda looked like a sketchy area, but as soon as I saw the coat check I felt better.  I felt out of place, and self conscious because I had NO IDEA what I was doing, so I just sat and watched (it was an Erkle moment, anyone else have those?).  I have however decided that I would like to learn how to dance to this type of music, it is beautiful it is sensual and it is kinda amazing.  The plan was to stay for an hour- but like most good plans, we stayed much later, until about 1.15 am, and then the 25 minute drive back with laughs and some serious conversation, after getting back to the apartment I went straight to bed.  I was exhausted. In all honesty, way beyond exhausted and really needed some sleep.  My hosts were leaving for a flight in the am, so I had to wake up early and to check out the apartment I had rented for the remainder of my stay in Paris.