Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Day 6: Thought of the day: Grant those around you grace, including yourself.

Thought of the day: Grant those around you grace, including yourself.

My hopes in writing all of this out is that perhaps in my despair I will be able to give someone else courage and faith who may be going through their own difficult situation.  If you know us and don't care to read my thoughts and fear and hurts right now, no hard feelings.  This is real, this is uncensored and I'm hurting.  It's hard to put it out there but it is equally hard to keep it all inside.  I'm publishing this uncensored so those that would like information on how I am doing/ how we are doing can have it. This is a personal situation, it is difficult, I am doing the best that I can to get through it, my wording in this post is frank.

For those of you who don't know Nicholas & I were expecting a baby come November of this year. On Tuesday night we found out in the ER that God had called our baby to heaven way before we were expecting. To say that we are heartbroken is an understatement. We are working through this situation together I can not explain how thankful I am for Nick's love &support in this situation. I have faith that somehow God will heal us. I'd like to thank all of those who have been so thoughtful & understanding towards us.

Colossians 2:2-5 The Message (MSG)
2-4 I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God’s great mystery. All the richest treasures of wisdom and knowledge are embedded in that mystery and nowhere else. And we’ve been shown the mystery! I’m telling you this because I don’t want anyone leading you off on some wild-goose chase, after other so-called mysteries, or “the Secret.”

5 I’m a long way off, true, and you may never lay eyes on me, but believe me, I’m on your side, right beside you. I am delighted to hear of the careful and orderly ways you conduct your affairs, and impressed with the solid substance of your faith in Christ."

So I've been awake since 3 am, (now it being 04.50) I am in pain and I can't fall back asleep. Last night was hard, I ended back in the ER due to blood loss and an infection, we both were scared out of our minds and neither of us having the courage to admit it to the other, this situation is an impossible one and even though I have been through this before it's been very different this time and I have no knowledge on what to expect, how to handle it, or how to process all that has happened.

I must be honest in admitting that right now I am struggling with faith. I know God is around, I understand, but in speaking honestly I'd just like to punch him in the face, (please don't judge me for admitting this.) This all seems to be too much and it is a struggle to get through it. This God that I've grown to know doesn't seem very father like right now and I have no idea how to process all of that.  I am angry at God, I know we are raised to not admit it.  So because I can't sleep I did some more reading, here's what I found...

Psalm 22:1-8
The Message (MSG)
A David Psalm
22 1-2 God, God . . . my God!
    Why did you dump me
    miles from nowhere?
Doubled up with pain, I call to God
    all the day long. No answer. Nothing.
I keep at it all night, tossing and turning.
3-5 And you! Are you indifferent, above it all,
    leaning back on the cushions of Israel’s praise?
We know you were there for our parents:
    they cried for your help and you gave it;
    they trusted and lived a good life.
6-8 And here I am, a nothing—an earthworm,
    something to step on, to squash.
Everyone pokes fun at me;
    they make faces at me, they shake their heads:
“Let’s see how God handles this one;
    since God likes him so much, let him help him!”

Matthew 27:46 (KJV)- And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?

If Jesus and David can feel forsaken by God, then I guess God probably understands why I too feel betrayed and alone.  I need to quit being so hard on myself and just do the best that I can to heal and to just live through this situation, even if that living for now is just laying on the couch mindlessly watching TV or reading the bible, and/ or taking the dog for a walk literally only around the block, I've needed to start writing down when I last fed him because I can't even remember right now.

Psalm 22:22-31
The Message (MSG)
22-24 Here’s the story I’ll tell my friends when they come to worship,
    and punctuate it with Hallelujahs:
Shout Hallelujah, you God-worshipers;
    give glory, you sons of Jacob;
    adore him, you daughters of Israel.
He has never let you down,
    never looked the other way
    when you were being kicked around.
He has never wandered off to do his own thing;
    he has been right there, listening.
25-26 Here in this great gathering for worship
    I have discovered this praise-life.
And I’ll do what I promised right here
    in front of the God-worshipers.
Down-and-outers sit at God’s table
    and eat their fill.
Everyone on the hunt for God
    is here, praising him.
“Live it up, from head to toe.
    Don’t ever quit!”
27-28 From the four corners of the earth
    people are coming to their senses,
    are running back to God.
Long-lost families
    are falling on their faces before him.
God has taken charge;
    from now on he has the last word.
29 All the power-mongers are before him
All the poor and powerless, too
Along with those who never got it together
30-31 Our children and their children
    will get in on this
As the word is passed along
    from parent to child.
Babies not yet conceived
    will hear the good news—
    that God does what he says.

I will admit that this was a much harder read but I found it here: in this article about being angry with God at this moment I can't even word how this made me feel beyond it gave me hope and it made me more mad all at the same time.  I know, I'm not rational right now, I'm trying.  So anyways... that's how I'm doing. Have a great day ya'll and remember to grant everyone around you grace. Most of all, yourself.